There are two things machinists never run out of:
Opinions.
Ways to make the new guy look like an idiot.
A few weeks back the MACHINIST community to share their best machining jokes, shop sayings, one-liners and rookie pranks.
More than 500 comments later, we had everything from aluminum magnets and part stretchers to engineer abuse and some genuinely terrible CNC pickup lines.
Here are the ones that made us laugh.
When a Part Hits the Floor
Apparently, dropping a part is less of a mistake and more of an opportunity for audience participation.
The most common response:
“Ground finish.”
Other acceptable shop terminology included:
“Gravity check!”
“Floor model!”
“Tumble finish.”
“Another good part!”
And, of course:
“SHIP IT!”
Tim Channels offered an important reminder for the person who dropped it:
“That print don’t call for no ground finish.”
Adam Mansfield went directly for the emotional damage:
“Hey, you better get the boss’s money off the floor!”
Honestly, the part may survive.
The machinist’s dignity will not.
The New Guy Supply List
Every shop seems to have its own version of sending the apprentice on an impossible errand.
Among the items MACHINIST members have reportedly requested:
An aluminum magnet
A brass magnet
A rubber file
A left-handed hammer
A metric adjustable wrench
A box of finish marks
A can of “add-a-thou”
A bucket of steam
Five pounds of compressed air
A metal stretcher
A can of metal softener
Blue centerlines
A left-handed drill bit to put material back into an oversized hole
Scott Macleod shared what happened after he milled a part too short during his first few days on a Bridgeport.
His mentor sent him to find the parts stretcher.
The next guy pulled out a homemade stretcher made from pencils and tape, placed the part on it…and threw the whole thing in the trash.
That’s mentorship.
Jim Allen had a technician ask to borrow his left-handed hammer.
Jim told him:
“I took it home. All I have is this right-handed mallet.”
The technician examined it carefully before deciding:
“No, I don’t think that’s going to work.”
Outstanding.
Machinists Supporting Machinists
Adam DiMarco may have summed up shop teamwork better than anyone:
“The only thing two machinists can agree on is that the third one is doing it wrong.”
A few more encouraging words you can share with your coworkers:
“Working with you is like working alone—but harder.”
“I understand you’re trying your best. Could you try someone else’s for a change?”
“You’re doing good. I don’t care what everyone else says.”
“Brian, ever since you joined the team, it feels like we’ve lost three guys in the shop.”
“I’ve had burned-up end mills work harder than you.”
“I don’t really consider you a coworker, since I never see you do any work.”
John Loveless contributed this masterpiece:
“You’ve made more excuses than chips today.”
And Michael Petry had the perfect nickname for the coworker who arrives after everything is finished:
“Your new name is Blister, because you only show up when the real work is done.”
Beautiful.
Engineers Were Not Spared
Naturally, engineers caught plenty of shit.
Paul V. Christensen delivered an old favorite:
“An engineer will walk past a room full of naked supermodels just to fuck a machinist.”
Jason King offered something slightly more family-friendly:
“God made machinists because engineers need heroes too.”
Edward Smith asked:
“What do engineers use for birth control?”
Answer:
“Their personality.”
Steve Moyher shared some genuinely useful career advice:
“If you ever want to get an engineer in trouble, just do exactly as he says.”
And David Davis identified the most dangerous object in any machine shop:
“An engineer with a tape measure.”
The engineers may object.
Fortunately, machinists have never been especially concerned about that.
Actual Machining Jokes
Some were clever.
Some were terrible.
Most were both.
“Hear about the guy who applied for the lathe position? They turned him down.”
“I had a micrometer joke, but it didn’t measure up.”
“There’s no place like G28.”
“Sometimes my job is boring.”
“Watch those lathe guys. They’re always turning on you.”
“People who deburr their parts cut corners.”
“What’s a machinist’s favorite type of music? Metal.”
“A well-rounded machinist has a chip on both shoulders.”
“Old machinists never die quickly. Death just chips away at them until they’re finished.”
“Any machine can be a smoke machine if you use it wrong enough.”
“Any part can be aerospace if you throw it across the shop.”
“Clearance is only an issue on the first part.”
“If you can’t make it right, make it shiny.”
Matt Schoolcraft probably delivered the most painfully accurate line in the entire thread:
“I love machining. You can make about anything but a living.”
Ouch.
A Few Shop Classics
When the boss asks why you aren’t standing at your machine:
“A good worker is hard to find.”
When somebody asks what you’re making:
“$12.50 an hour.”
When the machine crashes:
“I didn’t crash it.”
Or, as Eric Robinson once explained to his boss after an expensive end mill broke:
“Bitch, I pushed start.”
When someone asks how many machinists work there:
“About half.”
When the customer asks for a discount:
That’s it.
That’s the joke.
Safety First. Sort Of.
Several machinists shared the safety advice that has apparently been passed down through generations:
“Don’t put your hands anywhere you wouldn’t put your pecker.”
Another supervisor asked workers without safety glasses:
“Labrador or Golden Retriever?”
As in: which seeing-eye dog would you prefer?
Frank Starr offered an even more persuasive argument:
“You can’t hear tits.”
Fair enough.
The Final Verdict
Machinist humor is pretty simple.
Drop a part? Someone has a line ready.
Make a mistake? Someone has a nickname ready.
Hire an apprentice? Send him looking for the aluminum magnet.
Invite an engineer onto the floor?
Well…you already know how that ends.
But the comment that may best capture the entire trade came from Joshua Michael Gibbs:
“Arguing with a machinist is like wrestling a pig in mud. After a while, you realize he’s enjoying it.”
Accurate.
Thanks to everyone who contributed—and apologies to every apprentice currently wandering around the shop looking for a bucket of steam.
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