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Every shop has one.
The FNG.
For anyone unfamiliar with the highly technical industry terminology, that stands for “Fucking New Guy.”
And apparently there’s an entire unofficial apprenticeship program dedicated to keeping the FNG humble.
A few weeks ago, Drew Giles dropped this into the MACHINIST group:
“So we all rip on each other in the shop right? Whats your FAVORITE saying for FNG’s who act like they know what they’re doing but clearly don’t?
Mines ‘I have chips embedded in the soles of my boots with more experience than you.’”
That was enough.
More than 300 comments later, machinists had assembled what might be the greatest collection of shop-floor insults I’ve ever seen.
Some were old classics.
Some were beautifully specific to machining.
And a few were so good I’m probably going to start using them on people who have never stepped foot inside a machine shop.
Here are some of the best.
“How Long Are You Gonna Be New Here?”
Let’s start with one of my favorites.
Tom Nelke:
“How long are you gonna be new here?”
Jesus.
There’s no profanity.
No yelling.
Just quiet disappointment.
Perfect.
William VanSickle had another:
“Boy, I can't wait till you used to work here.”
Even Drew came back and said:
“Legit, I think this is my favorite so far. I might just drop it like a bomb tomorrow morning hahaha.”
I can see why.
And then there was Steve Muth:
“You’re not good but, at least you’re slow.”
That’s the kind of encouragement every young machinist needs.
Clay Roeder:
“Working with you is like working alone… except harder.”
Apparently this one has made its way through a lot of shops, because several people posted some version of it.
There’s probably a reason for that.
Then the Machinists Got Specific
Generic insults are fine.
But the best ones are the ones that only really work in a machine shop.
Jeffrey Jobes:
“The scrap company hasn’t rejected any of your parts yet. Keep up the good work.”
That might be the most devastating quality review I’ve ever heard.
Ralph Stafford:
“Where are you stacking the good parts?”
Ouch.
William Stougaard:
“Get to work. That scrap isn't going to make itself!”
Motivational leadership.
Norman Panning:
“It's a good thing we get paid for scrap, you make a lot.”
Always important to find additional revenue streams.
Adam Harkless:
“Your finishes are the brightest thing about you.”
Beautiful.
Richard LaMastus:
“Just make it whatever size you want. If they wanted it close they wouldn’t have given it to you to make.”
Quality is subjective anyway.
And this one from Cary Greenwell sounds like it came directly from a 68-year-old toolmaker who hasn’t smiled since 1987:
“God damn boy, I’d have got closer than that with a yard stick and a piece of chalk.”
Hard to argue with that.
“Rare Machining”
This one came from retired machinist David McKenney, who said he spent a lot of time teaching apprentices and less experienced machinists.
His strategy was to use humor to loosen people up.
So when someone asked him to come look at a thread they were cutting and it looked like shit, he’d say:
“That’s what I call rare machining.”
Naturally, the apprentice would ask:
“Rare?”
And David would respond:
“Yeah, because it sure as shit ain’t well done.”
That’s excellent.
More importantly, David was actually teaching people.
Which we’ll come back to.
There Was No Shortage of Confidence Killers
A few more worth stealing:
AlyssaLil Rocky:
“Confidence is great but this requires competence.”
Spencer Frakes:
“If I could buy you for what you know, and sell you for what you think you know, I could retire.”
Shane Burns:
“Don't try and be a smart ass bud, you don't even know enough to be a good dumb ass.”
Burt Weyerman:
“Your 2 cents is why they're doing away with pennies.”
Mel Suggs:
“I can explain it to you, but I can't understand it for you!”
And when someone absolutely refuses to admit they might be wrong, Scott Macleod goes with:
“I’d agree with you, but then we’d both be wrong.”
Simple.
Efficient.
No wasted motion.
Just like machining should be.
Shop Nicknames Might Be Even Better
The sayings were good.
The nicknames might have been better.
Burt Weyerman:
“I just call him Decaf. It looks like it will work, but it don't.”
Drew replied:
“This had me laughing from the deepest part of my soul.”
Same.
Then Nevin Stiles added:
“Cordless. Works for 15 min and needs an hour break.”
And:
“Lantern — not too bright, needs someone to carry them.”
Jake Weissenfluh had:
“We call him Shania cause he don’t impress us much.”
And several guys apparently use:
“C-section.”
Why?
Because the guy is afraid of labor.
That one showed up multiple times.
Which tells me this isn't a joke.
It's a recognized industry classification.
Of Course, You Also Have to Send the FNG Looking for Something That Doesn't Exist
No new machinist hazing program would be complete without an impossible errand.
The classics showed up:
Aluminum magnet.
Metal stretcher.
Left-handed gear stretcher.
Grinder sparks.
Bucket of AIR.
Dehydrated H₂O.
ID10T lube.
One guy even convinced a manager they needed full bottles of plasma for the plasma cutter.
But Drew's aluminum magnet story wins.
He said they once sent a new guy from machinist to machinist looking for the aluminum magnet.
Eventually one of the guys took some 3/8" aluminum round stock, bent it into a horseshoe, covered the ends with red layout dye and machined a slot into the back.
Now they had an aluminum “magnet.”
Then they sent the FNG around the shop looking for the USB charger for the aluminum magnet.
The guy eventually asked the owner.
According to Drew:
“We all got in SOOO much doo-doo.”
Worth it.
My Personal Favorite Might Still Be This One
There were a lot of elaborate insults.
But Mike Herder managed to sum up an entire coworker in eight words:
“That boy’s learning curve is a damned circle.”
That’s art.
But There Was Another Side to This Thread
Buried between the insults, scrap jokes and fake aluminum magnets were a few comments that made a pretty good point.
John Rice:
“Every shop I’ve ever been in was one of those that harp on each other but when stuff hits the fan and everything gets real, everybody’s on the same team.”
That sounds about right.
Scott Merrell put it even better:
“Now that you fucked with um’, you need to teach em’.”
And Robert Klabik:
“If you wanna learn. I’ll teach you everything I know.”
That's probably the line.
Because there’s a difference between busting the new guy’s balls and being an asshole to somebody trying to learn.
A good FNG asks questions.
Makes mistakes.
Gets chirped for those mistakes.
And eventually gets good enough to chirp the next guy.
That’s the cycle.
And judging by this thread, it’s been happening in machine shops for a very long time.
So yes.
Send the new guy looking for the aluminum magnet.
Ask him where he stacked the good parts.
Tell him the scrap company loves his work.
But when he finally admits he doesn’t know something?
Teach the bastard.
